What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it. |
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks. |
That's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling. |
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. |
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it. |
hy do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch. |
What does a three-piece dinner from KFC and a woman have in common?
Take away the breasts and the legs all you have left is a smelly
box... |
How do you make her scream during sex?
Stop and wipe your dick on the curtains! |
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care. |
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. |
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak |
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their Professions. The one guy
says : "I'm a YUPPIE.. you know...Young, Urban,Professional." The second guys
says : "I'm a DINKIE you know, Double Income No Kids." They asked the woman,
"What are you?" She replied.... : "I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, Fuck,
Etc..." |
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After checkup, the doctor called
the wife into his office alone. The doctor said, "Your husband is suffering from a
very serious, disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the your husband
will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and
make he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. dinner, prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him chores, as he probably had a hard day.
Don't discuss your problems him, it will only make his stress worse. And, most
importantly, love to your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think husband will regain his
health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the
doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied. |
A dwarf has just won the lottery. To celebrate his good fortune, he phones up his dwarf
mate and invites him out for a night on the town. "First we'll hit a club, then we'll
book ourselves into a hotel and then we'll go out and find ourselves a couple of
prostitutes and finish the night off with a bang!!" So off they go out for the night.
They hit the club, book the hotel and then go and pick up a couple of 3500 dollar a night
hookers. The first dwarf has everything done to him by this hooker, but he just can't
seemed to get a hardon. He tried for about 5 hours but nothing happened. Meanwhile, all he
can hear from the next room is "1, 2, 3 hup, 1,2,3 hup". The next morning his
mate asks him how he got on. He replies "Terrible, oh she was good but I just
couldn't get it up, you sound like you had an excellent time though". His mate
replies "Your having a laugh aren't you, I spent half the fucking night trying to get
on the bed". |
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A quick test of intelligence. Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT
OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count the F's in that sentence.
Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again.
See below...
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence.
A person of average intelligence finds three of them.
If you spotted four, you're above average.
If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.
If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain
tends to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird,huh?
Pass this on to anyone you feel would enjoy this!
|
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he
hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch
and report any activities that might develop. A few days
later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE. |
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Ken. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing
his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and
the crew became Frantic. Captain Ken bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt." The
First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the
bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on that day,
the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red
shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two
ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the
day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why do you call for your
red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack,
the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain
Ken. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates
ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his
usual reply. Captain Ken calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants." |
There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden frog, they think
this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The
golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people, but when he does he gives them six
wishes. He tells them that they can have 3 wishes each. The bear immediately asks that all
the other bears in the forest be female. Which the frog immediately does. The rabbit after
thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his
head. The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks that all the
bears in the neighbouring forests be female as well, and thus it is so! The rabbit then
wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears before him, and he climbs on board and
starts revving the engine. The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he
has wasted two wishes that he could of had for himself. Shaking his head, he makes his
final wish, 'That all the other bears in the world be female as well. The frog replies
that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish. The rabbit revs
up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says:-"I wish for the bear to be
gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can! |
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in
his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up
while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! please, oh please, oh
please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or
naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could
write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that
gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!" On and on he went, like an excited little
boy who..., well, ...had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted
that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make
him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so,
Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturation while in a vertical
position.
He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing
with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into
his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?" "Oh yes," he said,
"Multiple orgasms..." |
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies,
and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two
things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At
this point, the lecturer sticks a finger into the dead man's anus, sniffs his finger, then
licks it. He
asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a
couple of minutes' silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my
middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index." |
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